A Love Letter to the Love That Isn’t Romantic
When I first heard of the book Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton, I assumed it would be another cute romcom, full of many roses, dates, fights, and breakups until the main character finally ended up with the love of her life. Spoiler alert: that’s not how it went at all, and I was actually more than happy to be wrong.
I think for most of us, when we hear the word “love”, romantic love comes to mind instantly. For some reason, it’s supposed to be the biggest, most important form of love we’re meant to find in our lives. And that pressure is extremely prevalent when you’re in college because when else are you going to be around so many different people around your age? Honestly, I don’t know. And personally, that’s something I don’t want to think too hard about.
The thing that surprised me the most about Everything I Know About Love was that the real love story wasn’t with any of the men she dated–it was herself and her best friend, Farly (not in a friends-to-lovers way, just as friends). This made me think about how we often see our friendships as “subplots,” always coming second place to relationships, while they deserve to be a big part of the main storyline. I think the most popular line from the book (a.k.a. the line that became a popular TikTok sound) is “Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learnt in my long-term friendships with women,” and I can definitely attest to that.
All the best love stories I’ve seen and experienced weren’t romantic at all. They were my best friends with whom I’ve debriefed the same situation for three years straight, or who planned my promposal with the guy who was asking me to make sure it was perfect, or who held my hair back while I threw up in a random bin in Union Square. I think those stories are worth telling and remembering because they set the standard for relationships, and that was a core theme of the book. Dolly’s friendships set a standard of honesty, understanding, and forgiveness. Even though they weren’t always perfect, she knew they would always be a constant positive force in her life, even if everything else faded away. Reading about her friendships made me reflect more on my own and realize that being “lucky in love” can come from having friends who have seen every version of you, even the versions that you desperately wish you could erase from your history, and stayed regardless.
So many pieces of media we love subtly weave in this idea, even if it’s just for one brief, seemingly insignificant moment. My personal favorite is Sex and the City. Yes, the show focused on their many dates and boyfriends and breakups, but at the end of the day, it was always about the four women who loved each other through bad decisions, struggles, and changes. Charlotte York once said our friends could be our soulmates, and I’m not one to disagree with her. They were each other’s biggest cheerleaders in their best moments but also the first to call one another out when they were wrong, and this duality is what makes genuine friendship so important.
Being in a big city where you’re surrounded by so many people at all times, you might feel lonely enough to think one person has to be the love of your life, and you just have to make sure you don’t let them accidentally pass by. But I think you also have to find and cherish the other kind of love, the kind that looks like accidentally going on a 4.3-mile hike up a mountain in France and missing two trains back home, otherwise you might just miss out on some of your best stories.
