Sex and the City, Nina’s Version
Carrie Bradshaw: the fashion icon and New York City inspiration circa the early 2000s, and one of my biggest inspirations to this day. Whether it’s her Manohlo Blahniks and tiny mini skirts, or her wild dating life, Sex and the City’s main character has been my most recent fixation. For context, Carrie Bradshaw is a lively 20-something-year-old, living in New York City, working as a journalist for the fictional New York Star. Her column, specifically, is about the lessons she has learned from dating and friendships and the witty advice she has for her loyal readers. Sitting on my raggedy fire escape overlooking the East Village while writing this, I can’t help but feel a little like Carrie, reflecting on my relationships in this overflowing city. So, I’m going to take some of the lessons Carrie teaches her fans, and share how they apply to me. Hopefully, this will make you feel a little better about your romantic past because you certainly are in for a rollercoaster.
I am going to focus on three specific men I have talked with within my two years here in New York so far. We will call them Joe Burg, Cooper Underwood, and John James, aka Mr. Queens. Each of these names has meaning for me, but that is for me to know, and for you to ponder.
Joe Burg:
“Is it that men have an innate aversion to monogamy, or is it more than that? I wondered, in a city like New York, with its infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?” [Season 1, Ep 7., “The Monogamists”].
The first of many questions Carrie asks in the series and one that good old Joe Burg forced me to experience too. Right at the beginning of my freshman year, I met Joe. Immediately enthralled by his unique South African accent and charming character, we started talking. We hung out a lot and texted each other all the time. I went to the parties his friends threw, and he gave me every inclination he liked me. And then, the impending threat to monogamy: other girls.
A violent shock hit me on a day when the cool winter air felt even colder than normal; he posted a photo to his Instagram story. I went to open it, expecting to see a portrait of the skyline or a birthday post for a friend. To my dismay, I opened a photo saying “miss you” with a heart emoji and a photo with none other than his full-blown girlfriend, who was blissfully living back in his home country.
Shortly after I cut him off, I found out that he had also been talking to another girl at NYU the entire time. Joe truly made me wonder: if you get so lucky to have a great love, why ruin that for meaningless interactions? Were the overwhelming opportunities in New York just too tempting? Or is it that monogamous relationships are going extinct?
“The fact is, the act of cheating is defined by the act of getting caught. One doesn’t exist without the other….Is cheating like the proverbial tree in the forest? That it doesn’t exist if there’s no one around to catch you? In a gravity-free world of ‘anything goes’, what constitutes cheating?” [Season 2, Ep 6., “The Cheating Curve”]
Joe also made me think about this Carrie revelation. Did his girlfriend back home find out? Should I have told her? I still carry the guilt of knowing her boyfriend was talking and flirting with me, all while we were oblivious of each other. In her eyes, did he even cheat if she never caught him?
Episode 2: Cooper Underwood
“I did find it interesting that a discussion about politics ultimately became a discussion about sex. And a discussion about sex ultimately became a question of politics which led me to wonder if the two weren’t, in fact, inextricably linked, and if so, can there be sex without politics?” [Season 3, Ep 2., “Politically Erect”]
Oh, Cooper, where do I even begin? We met on Hinge. The first, and only, person from Hinge I have ever met in person. The first date went swimmingly – we sat at the Starbucks on Astor Place, enjoying our coffee and chatting about ourselves. It went so well, or so I thought, that I even agreed to see him again later that same week. That hangout went well too, and we made plans to meet a third time in the next week. There are so many unwritten rules of dating that seeing someone twice in one week is kind-of a big deal.
That’s when the situation got wayyyy too serious, wayyyyyy too fast. We perched on a wooden bench in Tompkins Square Park (which I have not visited since this traumatizing conversation). Between bites of cream-cheesed bagels, he revealed he wanted to have an important discussion. Since he was now 20 years old, he had to get serious with his life, so he needed to figure out if we would actually be compatible.
“Are you religious?” Cooper asked.
“No, not at all,” I said, not expecting what came next.
“Oh, I’m super religious, so I would have to check how my parents feel about that.” Absolute horror story — a 20-year-old who has to clear my personal beliefs with his parents for approval??
I suspect you didn’t think Cooper could get worse, but here’s where the “politics of sex” Carrie refers to comes into play. With absolutely no incitement from me, “By the way, if I knocked you up, I wouldn’t let you have an abortion.”
I wish I could replicate the look on my face when he verbatim said those words to me, but I can’t because that horror is an emotion I had never felt before then, and have not felt since. Someone I had known for just under two weeks at this point, not even had any sexual relations with, but telling me that I had to keep our nonexistent child because he wanted me to?? I was utterly flabbergasted.
I kindly told him I had to go, and he walked me home. Apparently, he just needed to scare me a little bit more by elaborating, “If we continue seeing each other I would likely want to get married within the next one to two years.” I’m 19…marriage has not even taken up a fragment of my mind yet.
Is there a way to have a sexual relationship without getting political? The same question Carrie wondered 20 years ago slapped me right in the face last year. When a relationship isn’t serious, can’t we avoid the weighty conversations and just have fun?
When I got home, I kindly, very maturely in my opinion, texted him, “I had some time to think and I don't think I'm ready to jump into something as serious as what you are looking for right now. Have a good one!” And that was the end of the story for me and Cooper.
John James aka Mr. Queens
“So there you have it. We’ve got a relationship without sex and sex without a relationship. Which had a better shot at survival? I couldn’t help but wonder: What comes first, the chicken or the sex?” [Season 4, Ep 4., “What’s Sex Got to Do With It?”]
The story of John James, who I will call Mr. Queens from here on out, is still ongoing (knock on wood). And so far, he seems to be on a much more positive path than Joe and Cooper. We met in one of my favorite bars, Josie Woods (I was not participating in illegal underage drinking, don’t worry). I have met people in Josies before, so this seemed too good to be true. But after I approached him and asked him if he was from Australia (this was not a pick-up line, my roommate convinced me she heard an Australian accent), our conversation in the bar started flowing and has not stopped since.
Carrie asks whether a relationship without sex or sex without a relationship has a better chance of lasting. I think, to answer her question, it’s a matter of which one is more important to you at that stage of your life. Now, Mr. Queens and I have had some slight sexual complications together – I won’t elaborate. And it’s not that I don’t care about sex, I do, but in the case of Mr. Queens, my romantic relationship with him is more valuable, and I know the intimate stuff will work itself out later.
So to answer Carrie’s question with another question: is a relationship without sex worth fighting for? I, personally, believe it is. Because here’s the thing: the people I have had solely sexual encounters with, don’t care about me. They don’t ask about my anxieties or my fears, or make me laugh uncontrollably. But Mr. Queens definitely does. So really, Carrie should be asking, which is more important: an orgasm or happiness? And that, I believe, has a lot more clear of an answer.
“Do you know what the odds of catching a fly ball are? I didn’t. But I couldn’t help wondering if they were any higher than finding a relationship that would last.” [Season 2, Ep 1., “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”]
Here’s my fear with Mr. Queens and this is no secret – he knows about it. Mr. Queens is from New York, and I live in New Jersey. So, in about a month, we will both go home for the summer and then I will start the fall abroad, on a journey in Madrid.
So, I feel like I have caught a fly ball, which has super low odds. But what are the odds that I lose the ball? The fear of the future is always impending, and despite trying to stay in the moment and enjoy myself, I can’t help but wonder what the future holds on the chaotic upcoming journeys of me and Mr. Queens.
“I started to wonder, In a city as cynical as New York, is it still possible to believe in love at first sight?” [Ep 7., “The Chicken Dance”]
This quote is not specific to Mr. Queens, but just a reflection on myself in New York City in general. Am I the opposite of a cynic? An idealist maybe? Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but I truly do believe that finding love in this often-pessimistic city is still a possibility. I’d like to call myself a non-cynic in a cynical city. And that’s okay, I am content to be, because I trust that I will find a fellow non-cynic too.
Note from the author: Mr. Queens, if you’re reading this, hi! Please don’t hate me. And to my loyal family members who read all of my articles, I have never talked to a boy in my life and I am still your sweet and innocent niece, granddaughter, sister, cousin, and daughter. :)
